You wouldn't know it by looking at me or watching the [obnoxious, late night, post-bbq, musical encounter] video I just posted.....BUT...I have sunken into a period of musical insecurity lately. I don't volunteer to play songs for people. I don't get relativtely excited about what I write. I don't trust myself in the writing room. It's funny, because I probably have more support than I ever have right now. But as I was sitting at the same piano I've sat and sung at for years for some of the my biggest supporters last night, I felt so musically out of sync. For some reason I felt tired and emotionally drained. And it was for no other reason than I was insecure. It was the perfect example of how the only true source of security is God. And with all these people around me encouraging my lately, yet I find myself less secure than maybe I was 3-4 years ago, when I had NO practical reason to be.
Per a conversation I had w/ a good friend today, I realized that insecurity is much like a disease. The longer we live, the more times we get wounded, and we don't even realize the damage that's been done. Much like someone who takes painkillers for a disease, you are numb to your ailments, but you are sick just the same. And you don't even realize how much you are being held back. And how much it is affecting you from the inside out. Until you find yourself drained of life and zeal and spirit. And then it's time to refill the tank up with TRUTH.
The only true form of security. So I'm going back to the well.
Anyway, enough of my preaching. All I know is that I'm a big old work in progress in terms of faith. And last night was just more evidence of that.
Thank you Nicolle for being so transparent. Your blog has given me something to smile and think about. My pastor's heart picks up when I hear conversations about being drained, too busy, or spiritually worn out. The best book I've ever read on the subject is Steve McVey's Grace Walk. It chronicles his journey through the dry days. Stay blessed.
ReplyDeleteThe theme of insecurity keeps popping up in the blogs I read this week ... an excerpt from http://www.kellyskornerblog.com [after she attended a Beth Moore 'So Long Insecurity' conference]
ReplyDelete" ... I just spent a day learning how insecurity is really the worst form of PRIDE. And how if we could just quit obsessing about ourselves and be a secure woman......we could forgive others and think of others first and serve others and in turn - show the love of God! ... "
good perspective; never thought of it like that before.
ps
if you need a security booster de jour ... you've been in my top 10 list of favorite singer/songwriters in this town since around 2005 maybe (saw you perform at a MuzikMafia show.)
:-)