One of the hardest things about reaching for something high, is having to fight the voices that tell you how much you have to lose if you don't ever get there. And I think that I can speak for many songwriters when I say that there is never real a point where you can claim that you KNOW what you're doing, because songs are gifts. And so you just show up everyday working hard, in hopes that God will gift you with something special. And then you keep showing up hoping that He'll gift you with another one. But sometimes the distance in between those "special" days can be great. Those days for me are dangerous, because although they're opportunities to be faithful, patient and self-motivated, I have to fight off the voices of doubt. The voices that say "you're not a good writer" or "you just got lucky a few times" or "there aren't anymore good songs inside of you" or "you're wasting your time" or "you're not really that unique".....I could go on. But I won't.
I don't really have a big point to make. Or any kind of resolve to these periods of time, other than the obvious. Which is to be faithful. And to know that God is in control. I mean, REALLY know. But I'm human. And i get scared. I wanted to share this, not to gain sympathy or to discourage anyone. I wanted to let anybody else out there who is tirelessly chasing something know that you're not alone if you want it so bad it hurts.
I was telling my husband last night that I feel like I'm the character in a movie who is so in love with someone that they'd go to any length to get them. But that other person hardly even remember their name. And the longer this person goes w/o getting the guy or getting the girl, the more they want them. It doesn't mean that he or she's giving up at all. Isn't it so amazing at the end of that movie when they are finally kissing and everything is in slow motion? In much the same way, that's what I'm holding out for with my music. That moment when all the time it took to get there just disappears and it's so sweet it feels like it's happening in slow motion. But for now, I'm just going to settle for wanting it so bad it hurts. And writing with Chris Tompkins.
THIS ^ is my favorite. It's amazing as a person & as a songwriter, how you look up to such 'idols' thinking: they've made it, they're successful, if only you could write like that, etc; then you find that they are exactly like you. I've had those days a lot, where you find yourself doubting everything you took for granted & telling yourself there's so many other writers out there, so why me? But today, even though I didn't write a song with Chris Tompkins, I felt like I did, because I just went with my instincts and wrote like I know how, & reading this helped me a heck of a lot to know that I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I do consider you to be one of my idol, you're incredible & oh so human lol!
So Nicolle, thank you for doing all this & being the incredible person that you are!! :)
I just love this blog. So honest. God wants to give you the desires of your heart. He hears you and knows you better then anyone and He has GREAT things in store for you and your future.
ReplyDeleteI'm so "there" with you! Obviously not in the music arena, but in desiring property to sale, homes to be built, business to succeed, children to do their best and make wise choices & over all these areas doing my all to make it so. Despite my knowledge that God is sovereign over all things in my life, I get discouraged! It's like enough already-which is completely ridiculous because I'm so blessed!
ReplyDeleteThis year, I'm committed daily (along with reading your blog-which I enjoy BIG) to desire Christ first. I'm praying that as my knowledge, faith & desire in Christ grows my fear & discouragement of all else will fade away. I'm definitely a work in progress! I'll be praying for you too.